Ask Amy Is Over and She's Published Her Swan Song
We expected better, Amy!
Valedictory column by AMY DICKINSON, June 30 2024
My take: For 21 years Amy Dickinson has been the author of Ask Amy, a syndicated advice column that took over from Ann Landers in 2003. Ask Amy ran in more than 150 papers, and an estimated 22 million people saw it every day.
As Advice Obsessives, most of us know that Amy just retired. In her final column as Ask Amy, published on June 30, she sums up what the Advice biz has taught her.
And what is the advice biz, at its core? It’s the business of human happiness! People write to columnists when they’re unhappy, and seeking wisdom. So the Grand Summation of a columnist of Amy’s rank ought to summarize that wisdom, and is of great interest.
Amy is a saavy and beloved veteran, so all due humility. Nonetheless, here are my thoughts about her final column. Let’s zero in on the “universal truths” she says she’s learned from her many years of advising:
Show up for people.
Be gentle with yourself – and with others.
Lead with kindness, and recognize kindness when you receive it.
Reserve your harshest judgment. Sit on your worst thoughts about other people and consider the consequences before expressing them.
Be of service by finding something, or someone, to take care of.
Find creative ways to express your feelings.
Admit to your faults and failings, and resolve to do better.
Ask for forgiveness.
Work hard not to be defined by the worst things that have happened to you.
Recognize even the smallest blessings and express gratitude.
Be kind to receptionists, restaurant servers, dental hygienists, and anyone who needs to physically touch or serve you in order to do their job.
Understand that there are times when it is necessary to give up.
Spend time in nature.
Identify, develop, or explore your core ethical and/or spiritual beliefs.
Recognize and detach from your own need to control someone else.
Respect boundaries – yours and others’.
Seek the counsel of people who are wiser than you are. Ask their advice, and listen.
I’m guessing you think most of that is really nice. So do I. It’s conventional, and even anodyne, but those don’t have to be dirty words.
Still, the list is…a little dull. Something’s missing. What is it?
Energy is missing. Most of the items on this list are ways to yield. The only item that suggests you exert yourself is “[don’t] be defined by the worst things that have happened to you.” What doesn’t appear anywhere is something like, for instance, “you can do it.”
Advice Obsessed fully and compassionately recognizes the reality of mental illness, and other conditions for which this comment may sound harsh. Still, sometimes that kind of advice is useful, or even necessary. Amy’s list, lacking it, is pretty soft.
Daring is missing. For an advice column, daring means truth-telling, and that doesn’t appear anywhere on this list, even by implication. A review of Amy’s oeuvre confirms this. She is excessively careful not to rattle any controversial cages. For instance, in one of the three Ask Amy columns on which I’ve posted, Amy lacked the courage to say marijuana can be addictive, even as she described its addictive effect on about a third of those who use it.
Excellence is missing. Advice Obsessed believes we’re all happier when we’re making the best use of our G-d-given gifts, whether they’re artistic, commercial, athletic, academic, spiritual, charitable, or keeping a home and raising a family—and I could go on, but I won’t.
Whatever those gifts may be, “making the best use” of them means knuckling down and applying ourselves. Amy does want us to get creative about exploring our feelings, and our “core ethical and/or spiritual beliefs.” Nowhere, though, does she say: “find the work you were meant to do, and give it all you’ve got.”
And, finally, duty is missing. But that’s how whole this summation was set up! Amy introduces it as a list of things that “might soften” life’s blows, so everything on it is a way to make the reader feel better. That’s the purpose of even her other-directed items, like “be of service,” for instance. Most of us know that in real life, sometimes that service “softens life’s blows,” but sometimes it is a life blow. Most people do it anyway, because we’re supposed to; it falls to us. Or is that one of those situations where we “need to give up”? Or “be gentle with ourselves”?
No question, there’s a lot to like about Amy. Most of the time, she offers unexcitable common sense, and good judgement. In the entire Advice Obsessed archive I find only three posts on her column (here, here, and here), which means she seldom does anything outrageous enough to provoke comment.
That said, since 2003 Amy has pitched her column straight down the center. This has minimized her ability to harm, but also her ability to help.
Anyway, that’s all looking back. Now we turn forward to R. Eric Thomas, whose “Asking Eric” has already replaced Amy’s franchise. Welcome, Eric! Advising is an important job, and we here at Advice Obsessed will definitely read you closely. We warn you that our standards are high. Know that we look for great things from you, and we wish you the best.