Carolyn Hax, February 8 2024: “Friends Agreed to a child-free vacation–but now they’re bringing their kids.”

Carolyn just doesn't get groups.

Link to original letter here.

My take: To recap, the LW, who is apparently single and child-free, is planning a vacation with a group of single and married friends. The plan was “no kids,” but one couple’s child care fell through, and another couple wanted to support the first couple, so now two couples are bringing their kids, and the LW doesn’t even want to go any more.

Carolyn responds: “I am so angry on your behalf that I can’t think of an answer right away.”

That’s rather strong.

It’s also bizarre, coming from Carolyn, who’s always beating the drum for “you can’t control other people.” She’s right about not controlling others, but here she’s forgetting an important, related truth: You can’t control groups.

Dear readers, how many times have you assembled what was, for you, the perfect group, only to have someone end up bringing a kid, or a parent, or a college roommate who happened to be visiting? How many times has a family of eight dropped out, after you’ve cooked all the food and set the table? How often have you learned that someone you didn’t include is offended, and if not folded in will remain on your conscience forever?

How often has this happened at the last minute? And I’m guessing some of the excuses you’ve heard made sense to you, but others didn’t–am I right?

I understand the dream of having everyone you cherish together in one special place at the same special time–truly I do. I dream it myself. But the mature host understands that neither destiny nor your invited guests can be counted on to realize that for you.

What’s more, shaking your fist at destiny serves nothing but your anger, and confronting your friends is a good way to lose them. Neither of these responses is the way to a happy life. And all but one of Carolyn’s options for the LW amount to one of those two things.

Carolyn’s second option–”Go and try to make the best of a trip you would never have agreed to go on”--comes closer to a good answer than any of the others she offers. But even here she misses the mark, by inviting the LW to keep sulking.

The right answer, here and most of the time, is Love Your Friends. You almost never regret generosity. The happiest outcome for the LW is to accept the change–immediately–and tell her guests that their kids will be a pleasure. Then she should go ahead with the altered trip, in a spirit of “whatever,” with an openness to unexpected fun.

Chance this letter is fake: The LW is unreasonable, but she’s perfectly believable, and deserved a better answer.