Dear Prudence, December 12 2023: “Help! My Friend’s Latest Stunt Is Making Me Realize How Heartless She Is.”
The LW sees what Prudie misses.
Link to original letter here.
My take: To recap, the LW’S friend, “Julie,” is engaged to a man whose son lives with him half-time. Julie and the son get along well. Now the son’s mother has died, so the son is moving in with his father full-time. Julie doesn’t want a full-time kid, so she’s ended the engagement.
The LW has always admired Julie’s “ability to know/go after what she wants without being burdened by the thoughts or opinions of others.” But now she’s struggling with her instinctive disgust for what her friend is doing. She wants a reality check.
You have to love the LW for writing. Sometimes our moral reflexes are faster than our ability to understand them. Her reflex said her friend was wrong. Now she wants to know why, which is very commendable (and unfortunately rare).
Well, you’ll be sorry to hear that Prudie totally lets her down. She writes:
“…Julie behaved with integrity. She did what a lot of people fail to do, which was to be honest with herself about her feelings and act accordingly rather than A) lying to herself, B) trying to force others to change, or C) making everyone around her miserable.”
Prudie forgot (D), stepping up.
Julie didn’t want a child full-time, but she exposed herself to that risk when she got engaged to a man with a child. Now the kid needs more, and she’s walking out.
So I have to ask: Exactly why should we admire a woman who knows/goes after “what she wants without being burdened by the thoughts or opinions of others”? And why does Prudie read “not being burdened with the thoughts or opinions of others” as integrity?
I’m guessing we’ve all known people like that, over the years. I have, and the better I’ve gotten to know them, the less I like them.
I can’t resist adding this: What would Prudie and the LW have said if the one walking out was a man? When a man doesn’t get “burdened with the thoughts or opinions of others,” is that integrity, too?
Chance this letter is fake: I think it’s real. The LW’s eyes have been opened to a new way of seeing things. She deserved better than Prudie gave her.