"Help! My Wife Just Discovered My Secret Writing Online."

She's really upset.

Original column: Dear Prudence, September 5 2024

My take: Hello! Today AdviceObsessed has its survey hat on, so let’s cover just a few questions, please, before we get started.

Say you’re a wife, and you discover significant evidence your husband might be gay. Would that upset you?

Would it upset you more than if he wanted another woman?

Would it upset you even if he insisted he’s straight?

Thanks. Let’s bear all that in mind as AdviceObsessed recaps the column we’re covering today.

Today’s letter-writer tells Dear Prudence he’s a straight man married to “a wonderful woman.” The catch is he “sometimes write[s] gay erotica anonymously on the internet,” and the wonderful woman just found out.

He “would never dream of being unfaithful, either physically or emotionally,” he writes. But his wife doesn’t believe this, and she’s pretty upset.

AdviceObsessed is not surprised the wife’s upset, because the LW is dreaming of infidelity. He’s dreaming of the actual physical kind, and he’s publishing those dreams on the internet.

But he just does it “for fun and to blow off steam!” So he wants to know how he can make his wife understand.

Prudie thinks he should start by being honest with himself. Specifically, she wants him to figure out “why you kept this hobby a secret.” Which is good advice, because right now he’s not being honest at all.

For instance, he tells Prudie the stuff he writes is “focused more on the cerebral/power balance dynamic and less on the physical acts.” What I don’t know about gay culture is a lot, but I do remember the straight men who used to say they subscribed to Playboy for the interviews.

So “figure out why you hid this” is a good place for Prudie to start. Unfortunately, her answer goes downhill from there.

Prudie writes: “Ask [your wife] what she might need to rebuild trust. If she can’t come up with anything, offer couples counseling and a lot of patience…as she continues to process everything.”

Readers, why does the wife need counseling? And does she really have to rebuild trust?

I assume few gay men would want to marry a man who was significantly attracted to women. And I know very few women would marry a man they knew was significantly attracted to men. Some do, but not many.

This is reasonable. If the LW’s wife stayed with him she would worry, all the time, that she couldn’t give him what he really wanted, and therefore wasn’t keeping him happy. She would suspect, constantly, that he would rather be with someone else.

This would make her miserable, even if she loved him. She would be especially miserable if she loved him. So it’s no surprise the LW’s wife is upset. She’s probably revisiting their entire relationship, and wondering whether any of it was real.

Today, most gay people can live their lives in the sunlight. While this is excellent, it’s a very recent change. AdviceObsessed understands that for many gay men, it can still be risky to claim the liberty to live as who they are. It’s not hard to imagine why a man might be loathe to open that door.

But while the LW has a right to stay in the closet, if that’s what he prefers, he does not have a right to lock someone else in there with him, by keeping secrets from her, so that she had no idea.

So what should Prudie have said? Who owes what to whom?

She should have told the LW that his secret life was a betrayal. She should have said his wife is entitled to end their marriage, now that the secret’s out. She should have said there’s a good chance the wife may do just that.

And while the wife may want therapy, if she does decides to walk, she shouldn’t be dragged into therapy to persuade her out of that decision, if she’s leaning that way. She does not owe that to her husband, because he was not truthful with her.

AdviceObsessed has written before about columnists who pressure women into accepting sexual arrangements that make them unhappy (see here, here, and here). Sorry Prudie: With this column, you’re joining them.