Miss Manners, December 18 2023: On shoveling snow for those nice elderly neighbors.

When helping backfires.

Link to the original letter here (scroll down for the letter about snow shoveling).

My take: To recap, the LWs have taken it upon themselves to shovel snow for some older neighbors who are immigrants from an unnamed country. The neighbors keep thanking them with lavish gifts of food, which the LWs don’t want. How can the LWs tell these people that isn’t necessary?

Great letter in a way: Nice people ask about the nice way to keep on being nice. Kinda Gives You Hope. And I love Miss Manners’ answer: “Graciousness consists not only of doing things for others, but in accepting their efforts to do things for you.”

But…the letter does remind me of a conversation long ago, with a friend whose wife grew up in a country with its own traditions about helping and being gracious. An older couple from the wife’s country moved in next door, and my friend told his wife he’d like to mow their lawn for them. Just as a courtesy.

His wife told him not to. She told him emphatically. If he did, she said, the neighbors would be obligated to express their appreciation, and this would be a burden to them.

And that’s as much as I know. But I remembered that conversation when I read this letter to Miss Manners. Is it possible the LW’s neighbors don’t want to feed her, any more than she wants to get fed?

The whole thing reminds me of the unintended consequences of everything we do, even when we act with the best of intentions.

Chance this letter is fake: No reason to think it is.