"Overwhelmed Parent" is paralyzed

Carolyn really, really lets her down

Original column: Carolyn Hax, April 28, 2024 (scroll down to letter from Overwhelmed Parent)

My take: The LW had a baby seven months ago. She and her partner live in NYC, both work two jobs, they have no family nearby, and they can’t afford day care. She is struggling emotionally and wants to know how to ask a friend to “come to my house and sit with me.” How should she do that? She’s reluctant to impose.

Carolyn says the LW should ask right now, with no beating around the bush. She also says the LW should consult her obstetrician. IMHO she should have put the doctor first, but both answers seem appropriate to me.

The problem, though, is what Carolyn doesn’t mention, which is what are the LW and her partner doing to fix the fundamentals—employment, income, location? These are seriously out of whack. You cannot have a baby in one of the most expensive cities on the planet, with no family within shouting distance, apparently no assets, and not enough income for day care, despite four jobs for two parents. It will not work, no matter how many friends sit with you, and for how long.

How did they expect this to work? is the obvious question. It seems unkind, though, to look backwards when the new mother is already suffering, and there’s a baby in the picture.

So let’s move to advice. The first, most obvious suggestion is that this couple move someplace with a lower cost of living. A horrifying prospect to a New Yorker, I know, but to a non-New Yorker the idea leaps off the page.

And when picking that place, how about considering proximity to family? It’s a hopeful sign that the LW says “our extended family does not live close by,” instead of “we have no extended family,” or “we’re estranged from our families.”

Is it possible to find more lucrative work, if they aren’t too picky about whether they enjoy it? Now that there’s a higher priority?

And if, as seems possible, the LW is too depressed to contemplate these changes, what about the baby’s father? What is he doing about his depressed partner and their impossible circumstances? The LW says she’s in therapy, but this baby has two parents. I’m struck by how little she says about the dad, and Carolyn, oddly, doesn’t mention him at all.

If the mother is stuck at “sitting,” the father needs to act. Did both of them want this baby? Are both halves of this couple all-in on their new family?

There are reasons to worry that they aren’t. But even if both of them are, they’re still living in a dream world. You cannot have a baby without a viable plan to take care of it. It’s past time for at least one of them to stand up.

So in short: Carolyn zeroed in on the LW’s specific question, about how to ask a friend for help. She suggested, also, a medical review. But she failed to address the very serious problems at the root of this situation, which are their circumstances, and the role of the father. In so doing, she seriously let this LW down, and sent this column straight to Best Question, Worst Answer.