"Husband has reshaped his social life around a close female friend"

It's walking like a duck and quacking like a duck.

Original column: Carolyn Hax, September 10 2024

My take: Do I really miss Ask Amy? Is it possible?

When Amy retired a few months ago, she published a final column with her Farewell Thoughts. AdviceObsessed found those thoughts sort of meh, and we said so.

But today AdviceObsessed is returning to Amy, humbly and with new appreciation, because she would have answered today’s letter so, so much better than Carolyn did.

The letter-writer, who has been married for 25 years, is worried about her husband’s “very close female friend” of 15 years.

The LW is an introvert, and her husband isn’t, so at first she was relieved he had “a social outlet that doesn’t involve me.” But now he’s with this woman every weekend, and for Friendsgiving, and “birthday dinners and evenings out with her kids.”

He and the Other Woman have their own friend group of which the LW is not a part. This social life is “heavy on the bars and alcohol, nights out till 4 a.m., etc.”

She wants to know whether this is a “midlife bump” or “a huge shift happening right in front of me.”

Carolyn provides a sample script for breaking through the husband’s defensiveness, so the LW can get “basic facts” on what’s going on. The script includes: “I am not accusing you of cheating.”

She’s not?

It all makes me think of a letter Amy answered in February, from a guy whose wife said she wanted an open marriage or “she’d definitely cheat.” Amy cut straight to the bone:

“I think your wife is likely already cheating, and is now trying to retroactively get you to agree to it. Even if this is not the case, she has presented you with an unacceptable nonnegotiable. Preserve your dignity and get in touch with a lawyer.”

Harsh, but efficient, right?

Why didn’t Carolyn do that? Why did she set up a conversation when there’s nothing to discuss? The LW’s husband is having an affair, and he’s in pretty deep. Carolyn knows that; we know that; the family dog knows it—in short, everyone but the wife herself knows it, and even she maybe/sort of/probably does, too.

The wife says she’s introverted, but she’s way beyond that. This has been going on for 15 years and she’s passive to a degree that’s just bizarre. But now—finally—she’s asking for help, and she deserves a straight answer. We know Carolyn is capable of that, so why is she holding back here?

Just baffling. This one goes in “Best Question, Worst Answer.”

And belated kudos to Amy on what was a great column.